Monday, January 13, 2014

Tell Me When Blog Hop

by Kim Van Sickler



Congrats to Stina Lindenblatt on her new book and for hosting this blog hop.

My husband attended a conference where he heard a victim speak about being kidnapped at a second job interview. After she was thrown in a car, she was transported to her new life as a sex slave, a horrific experience she endured for the next ten months.

Natasha's story dredged up unpleasant memories for me of times in my life that I felt targeted for sex. For instance:

1. At age 15, being lured to the staff quarters of a 28-year-old cruise ship waiter who tried his best to rape me. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone in authority about it.
Kim (far left) dressed with her family for costume night on that same cruise.
2. While walking to a friend's house when I was 16, a man drove up and asked for directions. After I approached his car, he removed a map from his lap, showing me his erect penis.
Kim as a high school sophomore.
3. During a trip to the mall with a girlfriend, a bridal shop employee begged us to return to his store after hours so we could role-play.

4. Being seduced right out of high school by the 35-year-old restaurant manager at my summer job. He said he was divorced, and he pursued me hard. Turns out he wasn't even separated from his wife.
Kim (second from right) at her high school graduation.

5. At my first college fraternity party as a sorority girl, we were herded into the frat house basement and segregated from the guys until we finished our keg of beer. By the time we were allowed to co-mingle, the guys were trashed, and we were supposed to be too. Our "hosts" were grippy and horny, and it was a humiliating experience.

6. Jogging in the woods at 23 when a man called out to me. When I turned to look, I saw he was naked. I kept running, and he chased me. By the time I made it out of the woods, he was a few strides away from grabbing distance. I never ran alone through those woods again.

Kim right out of college.
I'm lucky that nothing worse happened to me, considering the unwanted sexual attention I got without even trying. And I am, and always have been, an average-looking person. My latest book, The Mall in Gullybrook, explores what happens when three girls are targeted and pursued for their flesh. They don't fare as well as I did. Because, oftentimes, when a manipulator wants you badly enough, he or she will go to great lengths to get you. And nowadays, with the pervasiveness of social media, luring innocent young things who think they are old enough to take care of themselves is chillingly easy.

I wish it wasn't so.

But since it is, I want young girls to take precautions, become less trusting, and not be afraid to report anything that makes them uncomfortable.

The result of not learning this lesson can crush a young life. Rape can't be undone. Better for girls to understand the sexual landscape and stay out of the clutches of pimps, pedophiles, and sexual aggressors. Better than the alternative.

Have you been able to remain unscathed by disturbing sexual advances? If not, if it's not too painful, please share your experience in the comments below. Talk is power. Silence cloaks the perpetrators, and does nothing to prevent it from happening to someone else.


26 comments:

  1. Kim, so sorry for all your scary experiences with stalkers and sexual predators. I worry about this a lot as my daughter will be going to college in two years and I won't be able to control her safety as much as I can now.

    My post will be up on Wednesday.

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    1. Natalie, I'm sure you're teaching her how to be safe. That's the important thing. Young girls in particular, tend to be too trusting, esp. when good-looking people are involved. Our cultural obsession with youth and beauty doesn't help.

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  2. I've been a victim of a stalker and have been sexually harassed. It's scary and you know you are not the individual's only victim. The problem is, especially when we're younger, we're too afraid or embarrassed to tell anyone. And that gives them the chance to do something worse next time. :(

    Thanks for participating in my blog hop and congrats on writing that book!!! Great topic. And I'm still getting chills over your intro about that conference. That sounds like something from a book or movie. I hate that it was real life. :(

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    1. Glad to play a part in the discussion of this important topic, Stina!

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  3. I've been lucky to never have any experiences like this and am glad to hear you are okay after everything! Those are some seriously crazy things to have happen!

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    1. You are indeed fortunate, Meradeth. I'm glad to know some women can grow up without running into the situations I did.

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  4. My experiences were mostly of the close-call variety that you describe. I once walked up to the front door of a house pretending to live there because a man was following my after-dusk walk in his car. He finally drove away & spared me having to decide whether to ring the bell or not. There were a few closer calls, too. We have to find the right balance with our kids. We don't want to scare them, but sheltering them too much, leaving them unprepared, isn't good either.

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    1. Balance is key. I hope I've provided that to my kids. I've always encouraged them to be independent and enjoy themselves, but as they grew, made sure they were aware of the larger world too.

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  5. It's nearly impossible to be a woman in modern society without close calls like Kim blogged about. To name a few from my life: a fellow grad student who was a flasher, several scary jogging experiences and an ex-boyfriend who was a stalker, being followed home from the subway stop. It's so important to raise consciousness of these issues and inform girls about safe behavior. Even that won't be enough.

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  6. Wow, those are bad enough! Sorry you've met so many creeps in your life.

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    1. But I've met lots of really nice people too. The thing is, sometimes it takes a little time to tell which is which.

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  7. Yikes - those are a lot of icky humans! I don't know too many women who haven't had at least 1 experience along these lines. At a high school dance an out of town 'guest' picked me up and carted me away down a hallway. No one noticed despite my screaming. Thankfully I landed in an especially good kick and got away. Stupidly I told no one for years.

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  8. Scary stories. I think all females probably have had similar experiences. I know I've had a few. I'm glad you're tackling this highly significant issue (violence against females), Kim. Kudos to you.

    xoRobyn

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    1. Yeah, I guess we chalk them up to the price of being female. :-)

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  9. Kim, what awful experiences! I feel for the young woman you were. Good for you for turning those experiences into a book that can warn young women- and hopefully keep them safe. Must have been hard to write though. ANd belated congratulations on winning the First Chapter award!

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    1. Carol, my experiences were merely emotional touchstones. My book is 100% fiction. Thanks for the congrats! Winning that award was a pleasant surprise.

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  10. My worse experience happened when I was 17. My mother called the school, telling them they needed me at home. I had to walk home. It was a distance. This one guy drove up at of the blue, harrassing me. When I ignored him, another guy drove up, asking if he the other guy was bugging me. I didn't know this is how this guys worked. Afterwards the second guy asked me to come to his car. When I refused(ok, I gave him a snarky reply) he drove up on the grass. He repeated what he said. I looked in his side of the car, noticing a blanket over his lap. He pulled a gun out, pointing it at me. I freaked. I swear at this moment I saw myself in a hole with someone shoveling dirt over me. I was screaming for my mother. What happened next I don't know. Apparently I ran and hid. I got away. When I got home and told mother what had happened, she called police. Later, they caught him as he tried something similar on a girl not even an hour after me. I had to go to court and testify against him. The worse part though had to be how his attorney told the judge that because I was wearing 'tight' clothing, it put thoughts in his client's head to do things to me. As if I made him do anything. I went home and burned those clothes. To this day I get very angry whenever I hear people blame young girls they are egging on guys to abuse them by what they wear. So wrong.

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    1. The defense attorney was saying whatever he could to try and help his client, BUT his illogical argument would be terrible for a 17-year-old victim to hear. It doesn't matter if you were walking along the street naked, no one has the right to force you into their car at gunpoint or do anything to you without your consent! Having been a part of the judicial system for many years, I can definitely say that our criminal laws and court procedures can be very hard on victims of crime.

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  11. Holy cow Kim--you have had some terrible experiences. I am so sorry you had to go through that. It amazes me what kind of sick people there are out there, and how age doesn't seem to matter--they have no morals and think nothing of the innocence they rip away.

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    1. They either think only of themselves, let themselves be ruled by their passions and don't think, or else convince themselves that their victims "want" it or "deserve" it.

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  12. I'm sorry that you've had so many frightening experiences. The incidents with the cruise ship waiter, and the married man were especially haunting. I'm glad that you got through those terrible times, though it must have been very difficult. For the record, you were way above "average looking" then, and you still are. Thanks for having the courage to share these experiences, and I'm looking forward to hearing more about your book.

    Julie

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    1. The incidents with the waiter and restaurant manager were certainly the more premeditated ones. But I have to say. the incident with the naked man running after me was the scariest. The police said that he was probably just a flasher who chased after me because I didn't give him the shocked reaction he wanted, I just kept running. But when he was pounding after me and I could hear his heavy breathing getting closer, I was convinced I was going to have to fight a rapist.

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  13. It's awful that you went through so MANY such experiences, Kim. When I was about 13 and walking home from school, a guy in a convertible stopped and asked, "Do you wanna f---?" Fortunately it was totally random and spur-of -the-moment on his part, so when I gave him a look and walked on, he didn't pursue it.

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