By Juliet C. Bond
1. I have been out of town.
a. In out-of-town they don’t have computers, pencils paper or coffee shops where you might sit alongside your peers to create perfect pitch sentences, eloquent plot lines and voices unique to the children’s literature cannon? Really. No, really?
2. My kids needed my attention as they are home from school and miss me during the year.
a. Your kids love being home, they would rather play with their friends, zone out while drooling and watching TV, read, avoid bathing and anything else that requires little effort but is blissfully relaxing. You could write while they are doing this…
3. Out of Town Visitors
a. Although your fabulous sister-in-law and her family, your old friend’s children and your mother HAVE BEEN visiting, they do not need your hostessing prowess at 5am, which is your prime writing time. No, they would not like you waking them up, pouring out coffee and handing them napkins at 5am. I am sure of it.
4. Writing when everyone is around is hard. Seriously, right now there are no fewer than six, eight-year-olds playing Wii twenty feet from where I type.
a. So get out of the house, Lame-o. Your husband is home for the summer. He can manage the Wii-fest.
5. My husband, the high school English teacher, is home for the summer.
a. Uh huh. Does he block the door when you want to leave? Does he dance suggestively near the computer as you struggle to concentrate? Seriously, what is wrong with you?
6. I might be experiencing writer’s block.
a. Liar, liar pants on....
7. The Bachelorette and The Bachelor Pad have been on TV.
a. Okay, well those are kinda valid. I mean Emily was sooo fab and she deserved a perfect dude. I’m not sure she found true love but it was exhilarating to watch her try. Still, what about the other 166 hours in the week?
8. I have an overwhelming fear that my revisions will suck, that they will destroy the perfect construction I have already composed.
a. If it were so perfect your agent would be selling it to a publisher right now rather than handing it back to you to request revisions, duh.
9. I sprained my wrist? Wrists?
10. A combination of fear, laziness, time constraints and pathetic avoidance of something I actually really love doing when I sit my arse in the chair and write.
a. The truth is not an excuse.
FWINE! I will join my fellow coffee addicts and get back into the groove until I finish this thing, compose the email, attach the bastard and hit send.